I'm completely irreversibly broken.

I know I have PCOS, I know I have/had endometriosis, I know I may be killing of John's man swimmers, but somehow I'm delusional enough to think that somehow I can get pregnant again. This is not true. I had my "let's see if you ovulated" blood test last week. I needed the level to be at a 10 or more, and mine was a 0.2. Not even a 1, this was on fertility drugs. I've been to two reproductive endocrinologists, 2 ob/gyns, and a nurse practitioner who let me medicate myself. I wasn't even close to the levels I need to be at. They don't know what to do with me. I won't have any more biological children.

We are moving right along on the adoption process, and I want to adopt, I really do. I just thought that maybe after we adopted 1 or 2, I might get pregnant. I don't know why, I just did. I don't think biological children are any better than adopted ones, in fact adopted children are pretty darn special in that they have 2 mothers that love them deeply.

The other sad note is, I'm so broken that I will have to continue to take all my stupid medicines at night until I go through menopause. So that means 7 pills a night, until I get all moody and sweaty and hairy (well that's how some people describe menopause) I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little pissy today and I've cried so much my perfect make up job from this morning has transformed me into a crack whore look a like, which ironically crack whore seem to be very fertile, and I'm not.