I am afraid some people are taking this blog the wrong way! I mean, babies are wonderful! I wish I could have 3 or 4 more!!! This is in no way meant to discourage procreation. I promise. With that being said.......here's the original blog, but with paranthesies added so you know what you are supposed to take from that, or at least what I took from it.
I am glad that so many good people are starting their families. I thought I would tell them what really goes down when you first have a baby, from contractions to breast feeding. I know we all get unsolicited advice, but even with every Tom Dick and Harry telling me what to expect they left out some very important things.
-The beginning of labor the contractions aren't that bad, really
-Don't get cocky, they get worse, way worse (but that means its almost time for baby!)
-If you are in enough pain, you will forget it later, I don't remember a few hours of my labor and I swear it is because it hurts so bad (so you'll forget all about it later)
-Watching contractions on that machine that tracks your contraction makes you want to throw something on it, you don't need something telling you when your contractions are getting more intense, you already know (don't look at machine, it will only make you mad)
-If you are too numb from the epidural they may turn it off, if this is followed by 3 1/2 hours of pushing, you will have no numbing effect left, you will then end up having a natural drug free delivery, this is barbaric and stupid, and makes you hate everyone and everything (don't let them turn it off!!!)
-If I ever find the nurse that turned of my epidural, I am going to hit her with my car (I'm just sayin)
-New born babies are gross gooey covered whiney things (yours will not be different, so be prepared, totally cute once they are wipes down though)
-When the nurse tries to lay said gooey baby on you and you say "it's okay, you can wipe her down first" they look at you like you are crazy. You won't care. (decide to not care what the nurses think before you go in, it will make it all better)
-It is possible to take a shower when you're child is getting all of his/her shots and what not, I did it and I'd do it again. That shower when Kailyn was 5 minutes old, was the last undisturbed shower I've had. (I also felt waaay better after my shower, but I'm a little crazy like that)
-Just because you are no longer numb from the epidural doesn't mean you have the strength to stand, John had to wash me, but I was taking that shower dangit (don't overestimate your own strength)
-child birth is disgusting (beautiful in a way, but gross nonetheless)
-after your water breaks, you will feel like you are peeing yourself with every contraction, you will NEVER get used to this feeling. (I've got nothing for this, I just wish I was warned)
-The nurses will wait until you fall asleep to come check on you (you can request them to come in a little early if you know you are about to go to sleep, I didn't find this out til it was almost time for me to go)
-That first meal after childbirth is delicious! It was hospital bar b que, but dangit, it was amazing to me. I'm not even sure I chewed it. (don't worry about hospital food, it will be amazing, the first time at least)
-They will give you some stretchy gauze like panties, these are the most comfortable underwear in the world, they are also freakishly ugly (cute undies are what got you into this mess in the first place, enjoy the comfort of these meshy things)
-If you take a shower 5 minutes after childbirth and bleed on the floor nurses will give you a crazy look, you will not care, childbirth is gross,(once again, do what makes you happy)
-Breastfeeding is a natural process, but so is pooping, neither are very pretty (just be prepared, I'd do it again though!)
-Breastfeeding helps you bond with your child, but you will feel like a cow, a big fat milk cow (totally totally totally worth it)
-Your boobs will spontaneously lactate in public, this is embarrassing (I didn't know this beforehand)
-Breast pads are a must (really)
-If you put pressure on your boobs in the nipular area, it will stop the stream of milk, hence saving you the embarrassment (just try and find a way to do this that doesn't look like you are just groping yourself)
-Breast pumps were invented to make sure you feel like a cow, just in case you already didn't (but your hubby can feed if he has a bottle!)
-You are fatter leaving the hospital than you were going in (I'd heard the rumors, but I didn't believe it)
-Don't look in the mirror until your child is a few weeks old, you won't look so great. (I wish I hadn't)
- You will learn to take a faster shower than you ever thought possible, once you have a kid (sometimes I amaze myself)
-Not being able to sooth your child is the worst feeling in the world. (it really is)
-It really is all worth it. (I can't say it enough)
-They grow up way too fast (way way way way way too fast)
-I'd do it all over again, the pain, the milk cow, all of it (I really would!)
I'm sure there is more, but this will do for now! Have fun girls!!!
