Guess what

I passed my liver test again! Yup, I get to keep taking my medicine. They will even let me try clomid again (it's supposed to make you ovulate, it's a very common fertility drug) Have I mentioned I love my new lady? She is very understanding, and is allowing me to have some say in what tortures I put my body through, isn't that sweet?!? So, today is a good day, and I'm glad I have a good friend who calls me as soon as my results come in. Celeste is the best! It rhymes! I'm a dork. Good day.

You know what I love???

Hulu. I love it. For those of you who don't know, we (the Baney's) don't have cable. We choose not to get it. We didn't have it when we were first married because we couldn't afford it, now we have decided it is kind of a waste and really, do we need more stuff to watch? I'd love to have me some Food Network, but I'll get over it. That being said, we have recently come to love Hulu. We bought the cord that connects our computer to the TV, so now it's kind of like having a DVR. We can watch an hour long show that we missed from the day before in about 40 minutes. That's all....I like hulu, and for all of your cable/satellite rebels, or for those of you who don't have DVR, you should check our www.hulu.com
You're welcome.

Is it just me?

Do you ever want to hit someone when they say "I know how you feel"?????

I mean, really, do you? Are you me, do you live my life, do you know how I feel? I don't even really know how I feel.

We're only a few months away from it being 6 years since we started trying to have another baby. When I speak with other women who are trying, the ones who really have tried, we seem to talk about it differently. We understand the insanity, the emotions, we understand how each other feel, but we don't know how each of us feel. When we speak to each other, we never say, well, at least you have one, or at least you've never had a miscarriage, or at least you still have hope. That's not what we want to hear, we want to hear, it's ok to be mad, it's okay to cry. We have a common bond, that feeling of wanting a child and not being able to have one, just taking tests over and over and crying over and over when they come up negative. I know how lucky I am to have Kailyn. She is a blessing, and so wonderful. I still have this emptiness and this nagging feeling that there is more to my family. We feel incomplete. Even Kailyn talks weekly about how much she wants brothers and sisters. I know my family isn't complete, so it just makes me feel even more worthless that I can't get pregnant. How old fashioned is that? I feel like less of a woman because I can't complete my family. Don't get me wrong, please, I truly feel fortunate that I have Kailyn, and I am so glad I've never experiences a miscarriage. All I know is, I've been given a trial that has pushed me to my limits, and it is all I can handle, I couldn't handle more. There are other women out there, one who has been blogging about her road to adoption of her beautiful daughter, who had what I would consider a harder trial than mine, just reading her blog today made me cry my eyes out. My trial is my trial and it is one crazy long trial, with no end in sight. Maybe I'm just weak, but some days I have to walk out of church because I can't handle all the talk of family and children. Sometimes, I don't even want to hold a baby, and sometimes, it makes me feel better. Nothing makes you as crazy as wanting a baby, or another one in my case. I feel so selfish even talking about it.

I am so glad that some of my friends have children they are wonderful moms, and they deserve all the children they can handle. I am sad that they are afraid to tell me they are pregnant, I really am happy for them. I am not happy for all women who are pregnant, but I'm trying. I've heard that expressing your feelings is supposed to help, I don't like it, but I'm trying. I don't like putting myself out there, usually when I talk about it, I just joke about it because it's easier. The truth is I can't ovulate, not even on fertility drugs. I believe adoption is a wonderful thing, I would love to do it myself one day, if that is what's best for the family. John says we can, if that's what I want, but I know he's not ready yet, so I'll wait. I've been waiting for 6 years, what's 6 more? It will all be worth it in the end. All the mood swings, all the throwing up, all the headaches, all the cramps and cysts, all of it will be worth it. The funny thing is, I'm really supposed to be on birth control, for my own health, I'm doing the opposite of that.

I guess that's all the incoherent mumble I have for now. It seems like pointless ramble, but I guess it does feel nice to get it out. I can't wait for the day that I can feel like my family is complete, the day Kailyn can hold her little brother or sister. I often joke that at this rate, Kailyn will be able to drive me to the hospital, and every day I wake up I realize I'm one day closer to that being a reality. Most of my friends who have children Kailyn's age, are actually done having kids, and I feel like I haven't even started yet. When my mom was my age, she had just had me, her last kid. In fact I'd planned to be about done having kids at this age, but my plan isn't His plan. I have to remind myself that a lot.

So if you are ever complaining about a trial, and I say, I know how you feel, you can laugh at me, we all do it sometimes, just trying to comfort each other, but I promise, I really don't know how you feel, but you can have my empathy if you'd like it.

Upadate

So I'm still taking my new medicine. I call it the devil in a pill. Seriously, like 15 minutes after I take it, I can't figure out if I need to throw up, eat, or run to the bathroom. I hate it!!! I was pretty dang sick while I was on my fertility medicine, but I was under the delusion that it would make me pregnant, so it was worth it. This medicine is such a long shot, that it's hard to be excited. Tomorrow I work my way up to 3 pills a day, so I should be real chipper for my interview at 4 :)

Some of you have asked me what this pill is supposed to do, and the best way I can describe it is, it may help me ovulate all by my lonesome, but this really is a long shot. This is my last option, so I'm going to do it, and do it right, but I just can't seem to get excited about it. Since I don't ovulate, even on fertility drugs, IVF isn't an option. There is a new procedure that isn't FDA approved, but it is similar to In vetro, it's called in vetro maturation. For IVF, the docs will dope you up on hormones (yuck) so you ovulate a bunch, then they'll take some eggs out, fertilize them, and put them back in, freeze some, whatever. I'm really simplifying this, but you get the idea right? Anyway, IVM, which is widely used in Europe, you don't have to use the fertility drugs to make you ovulate. This is good, because they don't work for me. They will instead take your follicle, before it becomes an egg (or doesn't in my case) they then make it mature outside of you, fertilize it, and put it back in.

I'm not sure how I feel about it, at what point are we going too far with science? Any who, there is a clinic in Chicago that will do it, it's "experimental" or whatever, but come on, name me one person who has been trying to get pregnant for almost 6 years (like me) that thinks rationally? We're all a little crazy aren't we? In fact, I should clarify what I mean by not being excited. I'm still crazy enough to think it may work, and I still think about it all the time, but I also really dread taking the pill. With fertility drugs, I was like take this for a few more weeks, and get preggers, so I couldn't wait to take the next one, even though I spent most of my time, yelling, crying, and puking, yummy right?

Well, that's your update, enjoy!

So EXCITED!!!

So, most of you know I'm broken, infertile, whatever. Anyway, there is this one "treatment" method type thing that I've never tried, but before I could take the medicine, I had to pass a liver enzyme test. Since I don't drink or take medicine, beside the occasional Aleve, I just knew I'd pass. Well I failed. So I waited 6 weeks to test again, and guess what. Well, from the title of the blog, I guess you figure I passed, and I did! Now, I just get to experience some nasty side effects for a few weeks, nothing new, and see if it works. Even if it doesn't it will be worth it just to have hope for a little bit. Wow, what if I actually ovulated all by my lonesome? Hahahaha, funny, like that would happen. Did you guys know I've only ovulated once in my life all by myself? Without birth control pills, I don't have a periods AT ALL. I know, I'm TOTALLY messed up. Anyway, yippee for me!

Know what I hate?

Mud.
I hate mud.
Did you know sometimes ground can look like it's just dead grass, but really it's mud with dead grass on top?
I found out today.
I got stuck in the mud while picking up Kailyn.
You know who laughs at you when you get stuck in the mud?
1st graders. They will point at you too.
So I get stuck in the mud and I call John, here's how that conversation went:
Hey, I'm stuck in the mud at Kailyn's school.
What? You're stuck in the mud?
Yes, I'm stuck in the mud.
In the Murano?
Yes, in the Murano
pause pause pause
me- Well, are you going to do anything about it?
talk talk talk, then we hang up, right about that time, some guy in a 4X4 truck backs up to me, with his helper walking by the truck. I call John back and tell him never mind, someone else is coming.
Well, he got stuck in the mud too, this stuff was like quicksand, it looks like normal grass but it's mud. He moved over like a foot, and that was dry, it was spotty mud I guess.
Anywho, he got me pulled out, but did you know if you have your window down to get instructions from your puller out guy, and you gas it when he tells you to, you will probably sling mud in your face? Yup, you will. Mud stinks.
I had to wash my car twice today.
I hate mud.