Is it just me?

Do you ever want to hit someone when they say "I know how you feel"?????

I mean, really, do you? Are you me, do you live my life, do you know how I feel? I don't even really know how I feel.

We're only a few months away from it being 6 years since we started trying to have another baby. When I speak with other women who are trying, the ones who really have tried, we seem to talk about it differently. We understand the insanity, the emotions, we understand how each other feel, but we don't know how each of us feel. When we speak to each other, we never say, well, at least you have one, or at least you've never had a miscarriage, or at least you still have hope. That's not what we want to hear, we want to hear, it's ok to be mad, it's okay to cry. We have a common bond, that feeling of wanting a child and not being able to have one, just taking tests over and over and crying over and over when they come up negative. I know how lucky I am to have Kailyn. She is a blessing, and so wonderful. I still have this emptiness and this nagging feeling that there is more to my family. We feel incomplete. Even Kailyn talks weekly about how much she wants brothers and sisters. I know my family isn't complete, so it just makes me feel even more worthless that I can't get pregnant. How old fashioned is that? I feel like less of a woman because I can't complete my family. Don't get me wrong, please, I truly feel fortunate that I have Kailyn, and I am so glad I've never experiences a miscarriage. All I know is, I've been given a trial that has pushed me to my limits, and it is all I can handle, I couldn't handle more. There are other women out there, one who has been blogging about her road to adoption of her beautiful daughter, who had what I would consider a harder trial than mine, just reading her blog today made me cry my eyes out. My trial is my trial and it is one crazy long trial, with no end in sight. Maybe I'm just weak, but some days I have to walk out of church because I can't handle all the talk of family and children. Sometimes, I don't even want to hold a baby, and sometimes, it makes me feel better. Nothing makes you as crazy as wanting a baby, or another one in my case. I feel so selfish even talking about it.

I am so glad that some of my friends have children they are wonderful moms, and they deserve all the children they can handle. I am sad that they are afraid to tell me they are pregnant, I really am happy for them. I am not happy for all women who are pregnant, but I'm trying. I've heard that expressing your feelings is supposed to help, I don't like it, but I'm trying. I don't like putting myself out there, usually when I talk about it, I just joke about it because it's easier. The truth is I can't ovulate, not even on fertility drugs. I believe adoption is a wonderful thing, I would love to do it myself one day, if that is what's best for the family. John says we can, if that's what I want, but I know he's not ready yet, so I'll wait. I've been waiting for 6 years, what's 6 more? It will all be worth it in the end. All the mood swings, all the throwing up, all the headaches, all the cramps and cysts, all of it will be worth it. The funny thing is, I'm really supposed to be on birth control, for my own health, I'm doing the opposite of that.

I guess that's all the incoherent mumble I have for now. It seems like pointless ramble, but I guess it does feel nice to get it out. I can't wait for the day that I can feel like my family is complete, the day Kailyn can hold her little brother or sister. I often joke that at this rate, Kailyn will be able to drive me to the hospital, and every day I wake up I realize I'm one day closer to that being a reality. Most of my friends who have children Kailyn's age, are actually done having kids, and I feel like I haven't even started yet. When my mom was my age, she had just had me, her last kid. In fact I'd planned to be about done having kids at this age, but my plan isn't His plan. I have to remind myself that a lot.

So if you are ever complaining about a trial, and I say, I know how you feel, you can laugh at me, we all do it sometimes, just trying to comfort each other, but I promise, I really don't know how you feel, but you can have my empathy if you'd like it.