I'm completely irreversibly broken.

I know I have PCOS, I know I have/had endometriosis, I know I may be killing of John's man swimmers, but somehow I'm delusional enough to think that somehow I can get pregnant again. This is not true. I had my "let's see if you ovulated" blood test last week. I needed the level to be at a 10 or more, and mine was a 0.2. Not even a 1, this was on fertility drugs. I've been to two reproductive endocrinologists, 2 ob/gyns, and a nurse practitioner who let me medicate myself. I wasn't even close to the levels I need to be at. They don't know what to do with me. I won't have any more biological children.

We are moving right along on the adoption process, and I want to adopt, I really do. I just thought that maybe after we adopted 1 or 2, I might get pregnant. I don't know why, I just did. I don't think biological children are any better than adopted ones, in fact adopted children are pretty darn special in that they have 2 mothers that love them deeply.

The other sad note is, I'm so broken that I will have to continue to take all my stupid medicines at night until I go through menopause. So that means 7 pills a night, until I get all moody and sweaty and hairy (well that's how some people describe menopause) I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little pissy today and I've cried so much my perfect make up job from this morning has transformed me into a crack whore look a like, which ironically crack whore seem to be very fertile, and I'm not.

We've been questioned

We met with our adoption guy yesterday. He asked us some fun questions. I don't think he was adequately prepared for my responses, but really, who ever is? He didn't see any red flags for us so we're on for the next step. He comes to check our house out next week and assuming it look suitable for children, we are all good. I'm thinking of finding a way to jam my closet door so he can't peek in there, it's become a catch all, and then a bunch of stuff fell off my shelf a while back and blah blah blah, it's bad.

In other news, Kailyn still hates school

John's still doing better

I'm still infertile


Oh, and we can't sell our stupid Murano. Blue book value is 17,000, we're asking 16,000, but we'll settle on 15,500. Don't people realize I need money for a baby? I thought of putting "buy my car so I can buy a baby" on my windshield, but I didn't think people would find it too funny.

A lot going on...

I was informed today that I have a lot going on and I should get a blog. Since I do have a lot going on, and I do have a blog, I thought I should update you.

John:
His heart is so much better. Somehow, call it a miracle, his procedure worked. It wasn't supposed to work. We had planned on having a second and probably third one because one procedure never helps. John's heart is very regular, even, and darn right pretty now. His cardiomyopathy is gone. He is going to the gym most mornings again, but is doing what he calls girly workouts. He is slowly getting into the swing of things once again. One of his medicines was killer on him, so once he got to stop taking it, he felt a huge difference. I'm glad he's better, I kind of like him :)

Kailyn:
Hates 3rd grade. Hates it. She is more beautiful than ever, and is growing up way too fast. She is doing well in ballet, she just doesn't always focus. No idea where that came from. I mean, I alllllways focus. She loves dance, loves her dog Annabelle, and loves staying up late. She'll do anything to stay up. Oh, and her room is actually clean for once!

Me:
I had surgery a couple of weeks ago. I went to the girl dr because I'd lost some weight (which I never do) and had some pressure in my pelvic area and some serious nonstop cramps for the last few months. She wanted to do laproscopy and see what was going on. We went in Thursday morning and by 8:30 we were back home. She stabbed me by the belly button and again, well, an little lower. She gave me a prescription for Oxycontin and said I needed to take it easy and just stay drugged up for a few days. I turned that into, ya, go drive to Dallas in a few hours, you'll be fine. We had an adoption conference in Dallas, and John drove me (he's been cleared to drive) and so off we went. By the way, driving to Dallas is a lot more fun, and doesn't seem to take as long if you're higher than a flipping kite because of your Oxycontin. By the way, checking into a hotel and trying to sleep is a lot less fun when you have a few stab wounds and you just drove Dallas and are checking in like less than 12 hours after you received said stab wounds.

Turns out I have endometriosis. Like how many types of infertile can I be? PCOS, endometriosis, and get this, I may be killing John's swimmers. We get to test for that in a few weeks. By we get to, I mean, John gets to get some in the morning, and then I have to go get swabbed to see if I am in fact killing off his man swimmers. Joy.

I'm on Clomid again. Clomid means bye bye Katie, hello crazy mean person who kind of looks like Katie, just more angry, nauseous, and tired. Clomid is fun. Don't worry it won't work, I've tried it like 20 times before, this isn't an exaggeration. We're trying it again because she burned off my endometriosis and some scar tissue I had on my left ovary.


Adoption:
Oh my goodness, how exciting is adoption? I mean holy paperwork batman, but I'm so excited. I am aware we are filling out paperwork and trying to get pregnant at the same time. We want more kids, 2 or 3 more. Sometimes I say 4 more then John gives me the crazy eye and I act like I'm joking, we know that I'm not though. If we do get pregnant we can put our file on hold for up to 3 years. Considering my past, we'll be trying to adopt again regardless of my fertility drug outcome. If the drugs don't work (probably won't) then we're well on our way. We go to Rogers AR next week to meet with he man who decided if we are mentally and emotionally stable enough to adopt. I'll pause so you can make your jokes/comments about my stability....................Done? Good. He'll also interview Kailyn to make sure we don't suck. She thinks I suck sometimes so this may backfire. The week after we meet him then he comes to our house and decides if it is a good environment for a child. I like how hard the process is, I mean, if you put your child up for adoption, wouldn't you want to make sure your baby could be raised in a good home? I admire how selfless a woman must be to do such a thing. Wow. More people should try and be as selfless as a birth mom. The world would be a better place.

Oh, and we're making 20-30 dozen cookies in class and I want to call in sick until they're done. 10 8th graders in my class, in 2 tiny kitchens. Shoot me now.

All this baby talk reminds me of a previous post. Read it.

http://boringbaney.blogspot.com/2009/02/so-many-people-are-having-babies.html

I should blog more...

and by blog more I mean actually blog.

For all of you who have been following John and his heart conditions, I am sorry I was too lazy, and preoccupied to blog and give you information. I just roll that way, so you should be used to it by now. John is feeling better, and his heart stays in a normal rhythm most of the time, he is still having some problems and is really tired. We get to go back to his original cardiologist (the electro phys blah blah mumble kind) and I miss him. The guy who did the procedure is good enough, but he's not my favorite, but he did help John's atrial fib, so I'll be forever grateful.

I have been given more classes at St. Joe and I love it. I have a lot of great students and they seem interested in what we are learning.

Kailyn is super tall, she wears a woman's size 5 1/2 or 6 in shoes, and she can wear some extra small clothes in the grown-up department. This is breaking my heart. She is currently hating school, but doesn't hate it. She hates going to school, but likes when she is there. She actually hates doing anything she has to do, no idea where she got this from. She did a dance camp this summer and loved it, even though it was tons of work. She is doing very well in ballet, even though she started with the grace and balance of a drunken elephant. I'm very proud of her. She still doesn't get it when people are kidding, and will take you very seriously.

Annabelle, the dog, is still better than your dog, no matter what. She loves sleeping with Kailyn every night, and she will bite you if you are picking on Kailyn. She prefers to be outside, no matter the weather, and she still runs away when given the chance, but always returns very quickly. I think we could have a farm and she's still want to run and venture on to other people's property.

John still won't let me have bigger dogs.
I'm still not pregnant.
We still haven't heard back from the adoption agency.

Same old same old in the Baney house.

Boobs are like hellium balloons

At first they are all perky and full and don't need any support. I mean you put a weight on them just to keep them from floating away. Slowly, so slowly, they get smaller, and less round until one day you find them on your living room floor, dull, lifeless, limp, deflated and a little squishy. See, boobs are like balloons.

I have got to watch my mouth while I'm at school.

So a few weeks ago, I realized that I have to watch what I say to a room full of 8th graders. We somehow got on the topic of mothers who leave there babies in a cart a walk away, not too far, but they walk away some. I said that when Kailyn was a baby I kept my hand on the cart at ALL TIMES, but I would sometimes see women who would walk away real quick to go grab something and I used to have the urge to stick a post it note on the baby's forehead that said "I could have just stolen your baby." I never did it of course, I mean, there has to be some negative side effects of that. Well the girls in my classs think that it is a great idea! They want to go to Wal-Mart and look for abandoned babies and stick post its on their foreheads. I have told them that they can't do that, they'd get in trouble. I have to strt watching my mouth. Can you imagine if you turned your back for a second to get a bag of chips just to turn back and see your baby with a sticky note on them? That would definately make an impression.

John is getting buff....

....and I'm not. He is eating all healthy (like vegetables and stuff) and going to the gym. He is feeling better and has more energy. Me, on the other hand, I am tired, and the thought of going to the gym makes me want to scream. You see, the gym is incredibly boring. I mean really, how on earth do you not just drop a weight on your throat just to make the misery stop? Maybe it's just me, heck I can't even watch a movie without also checking my email or facebook or something. I get bored real easy. Maybe I should challenge myself more at work, hahahahahahahaha. Well this week in the Baney house, we have decided no fast food all week, we're going to eat healthier, and no soda for me or Kailyn. John gets a cheat meal every 4 days or so, so he can have a soda then. I mean, the man deserves a nasty Mountain Dew every once in a while, he is eating waaaay better than both Kailyn and I. So far, I want to eat all the time, but I bet if you gave me some cake I'd be satisfied! Nooooo, I am trying to eat healthy, so I instead eat a boat load of cereal. I love cereal, it is my life line. I am eating good ones, Wheat Bran, Frosted Mini Wheats (the Kroger brand, it doesn't have high fructose corn syrup)and the least healthy one I'm eating is Grape Nut Flakes. I feel like I'm eating about 20 bowls a day, but really it's only like 4 or 5. See, I should just go eat some cake. I'm drinking water too. I hate water. If you say water doesn't have taste, then you're stupid. It does to. The water that comes from our fridge goes through a fancy pants filter, so it tastes ok (ish) the ice is filtered too, so it is good. i still love eating ice by the way. Ooooh boy, I really love ice :) Certain bottled waters are intolerable, like aquafina, gag me. I feel like I'm licking a rock that has pool water on it. How do you people drink this stuff all the time? It is nasty. I really just want a nice cold can of Dr. Pepper. Oh, and cake I want cake. I'd drink milk with cake, so it's healthy right? Any who, I know I won't lose any weight because of my diet change, so I'm not even striving for that, but I do want to maybe feel a little better. While Dr. Pepper makes me feel better, I know it's not good for me, but boy oh boy, at this point, I'd settle.

Kailyn and me

Kailyn and I have some major personality differences. I don't even know where to start, but I do think this mornings conversations would help. Here goes

Me "Kailyn, you need to go in your room and pick up all your stuffed animals and put them in your toy box"
Kailyn "I, uh, uh, but I'm hungry"
Me "Amazing, you're always hungry, thirsty or want to hug me whenever there is something you don't want to do. You can eat after you pick up your toys"

I'll pause so you can call scan now........

She then begins to cry. I say "suck it up, go pick up"

She immediately stops crying and says, "why are you so mean to me!?!"

I almost said, because it's fun, but I didn't think that would go over very well.
She almost got all of the toys picked up and we had gone back and forth for a long while, so I went ahead and let her eat. See I am nice. Next was picking up her dirty clothes and putting them in her basket, which is in her room by the way.

"Kailyn, now go pick up all of your dirty clothes and put them in your basket"
Kailyn "B.."
me "now."
"whatevs mom"

This is now almost 2 hours past when we started this rodeo and I have since asked her to put her extra blankets and put them in her new little tote I got her. she says...
"but why can't I just stop now and do the rest tomorrow, I'm tired, and it's lunch time and you never let me eat, and I'm starving (tears start to fall) to death mom, starving to death. Are you trying to kill me? I'm just so exhausted"

Now, before she started crying, I was thinking, I guess she has done a some, maybe we can go stuff her build a bear, and she can do some more tonight and tomorrow, but once I saw those tears, my backbone grew back.

"Kailyn, you're being ridiculous. You can just suck it up, and go clean."

She then came back a few minutes later saying she was hurt so I told her, "if there is no blood dripping from your body, like actually pooling on the floor, then you don't get to come out of your room."

Kailyn's retort... "oh Mom"

I then hear her walking down the hall saying "suck it up Baney, go clean, no, you're being ridiculous" In a very mocking tone.

I started laughing. I can't wait until she's a teenager, it could be truly interesting. I sure love that kid though, she is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

My husband loves me, so he buys me tampons

He loves me so much he doesn't just grab the first box he sees, do the self check out, and dash out the door. He goes in "the isle" looks around and finds the box that fits my needs. You see the "drug-induced" periods are a bit more uh....intense than the average flo. So he goes for the the heavy flo multipax unscented of course. He brings them home for me and I get excited that it's the perfect pack for me and I said "it's even unscented" and he says well, I know you don't like the scented kind. The man knows about my tampon preference! That's love. I have the best hubby ever!

Wisdom teeth

I have now had my wisdom teeth ripped out of my mouth. It really wasn't that bad. I was totally unconsious during the whole thing, so that was nice! I'm a little sore, but mostly just one tooth hole hurts, they had a little bit of trouble with it. The main part that I was worried about is the healing. I'm easily grossed out, and the second I read about yellow scabs forming, I wanted to back out. The drugs aren't that great so far, but I just switched to oxycodone, maybe that will be better. Mostly, the stitches are crappy, and I keep thinking I have some food in my mouth, but it's just the stitches. On a happier note, I've gotten to lounge around all day, and it is totally justified! I plan on doing the same thing tomorrow too. Yippee for being lazy!

Why my kid is funnier than me

I was talking to John about how some people work for the state and work their butts off and Kailyn chimed in and said....
Kailyn "Like you do?"
me "ya, sure"
Kailyn "You do! You get up, you work, you pick me up, you cook dinner, you work a lot, you do lots of stuff and I respect that."
Me "haha, well thank you"
Kailyn "But most importantly, you nurture me"

I love her vocabulary

Uh, sorry

It's been a long time. Me procrastinating, how weird. Anyway, here's what's new with us. We're selling my car (the Murano) and we're going to get a Prius. We are currently filling up my Murano every 5 days, so it will be WONDERFUL to not have to do that. Not to mention all the money we wills save by having a cheaper car! We are going to be crazy frugal for a year and see how much we can save. The up side of this is I get to play with numbers and the budget a lot! I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing that. I know, I'm a dork. Anyway, we are also refinancing our mortgage and going to switch to a shorter loan, so that is also good. I love making good financial choices. Let the savings begin!

Oh! For all the love in the world!

This is the best site ever. Thank you for sharing it with me Anya!

http://beta.peopleofwalmart.com/

update

So lately I have been "self-medicating." Not in the whole, drugging myself up with pain killers way, but in the whole, I don't think the doctors are listening to me, so let's try this kind of way. It is working, AND I still passed my liver test :)

So now I will be taking 2000mg of my Metformin ER and see how that works. Don't worry, I have doctor approval now. I'm still putting that progesterone in an unnatural location, and I'm ready to be done with that. I am not too moody yet. Oh, and I have decided to put off taking the crazy experimental fertility drug, you know the one with the side effects where you have to sign a waiver. So I will have to take birth control for one whole stinking month. Yup, if I'm not on fertility drugs I have to be on the pill. So when i say "my body hates me" just know it really does hate me....a lot. So now I am hating my body back :)

Happy Anniversary!!!

Today John and I have been married for 8 years. I must admit that I still like the guy. Really, I do. It's been a long 8 years, but at the same time it has flown by. I am very happy and lucky to be with such a great guy, and a wonderful father to our little Kailyn. He is hotter today than the day I met him, and well, I'm fluffier (see what I did there, it's a nice way to say fatter.) I can't wait for the next 80 years! Based off his genes and his grandma I'm gonna say he'll be alive that long! I also love the fact that I truly believe that he is mine forever, not just until death. That's right, he will be with me forever... for e v e r!!! :) I also wen to the dr today, but that was sad, so I put it in a different post.
Happy Anniversary Love!

ugh

So today I went to go to the lovely Fertility Dr again. John and I decided to try another round of fertility drugs and see what happened, well today I paid $240 for a lovely vaginal ultra sound and a 10 minute visit with Dr. Batres. Dr. Moutis (Jon Lovitz) must not want me anymore. I knew this whole time it didn't work, I just didn't want it to be true. So the new plan is for me to wait a week and then take some more prometrium (progesterone that makes me have a period) except this time.....duh duh duh, I have to use a vaginal suppository. I have said vaginal twice in this post, new record. Anywho, I can try another round of fertility, some non approved drugs that are crazy and hard on the body, I have to sign a concent form for them. I think we may wait a bit to try again, even though my body handled this round better than the rounds in the past, it is wearing me down. That was the 10th round of drugs I had done. So now you all know. I am insanely horrible irreversibly broken. Kailyn really truly is my miracle child. At least Batres (who's foreign) made me giggle a bit every time he said intercourse with his little accent. :)

I'm not gonna lie...

This made me cry. I couldn't sum it up better, so just follow the link, and yes, I am a dork.

http://tv.yahoo.com/so-you-think-you-can-dance/show/36160/videos/14704989

Out of the mouth of babes.......and men

Here are some conversations that took place in our home in the last few days. Before you read this you need to know that 1. Kailyn doesn't understand sarcasm, and she is really trying to grasp it, and 2. John does find me attractive. Here goes

Kailyn "mom, your butt is big"
me "I know"
K "no really, it's big."
me "I am aware"
K "I just wanted you to know your butt is big"
me "I got it Kailyn, I have a big butt"
K "Is that sarcasm?"
me "no, it isn't. I am acknowledging the hugeness of my butt"
K "ok, because it really is huge."

This got me to wondering, how wide was my butt and how far is it spanning? I had asked John the loaded question and he responded quite well. He said something like I don't know, I like your butt. Tonight; however, was different. I was looking in the mirror and said...
"huh, I guess my butt is getting bigger. I've got a little junk in my trunk. How my junk is in my trunk?"
John "Ya, your butt is a little junky"
me "hahahahaha, I've gotta blog this"

She's here

Flo that is. I don't like her and she doesn't like me.
Flo is my foe.
Just so you know, if she doesn't come on her own, and bring your present, and you instead make her come bring you a present. She will try and kill you. Just a heads up.

Alright

It's here. The mean, raging, horrible, incredibly moody woman. I was doing great, really flippin great, but today that all went away. Tonight is my last night to take the progesterone, but I may break something before then. I think I know why Ozzy Osborn bit the head off a bat, I think he was on progesterone. I've never slapped anyone, but today might be the day. I am irrationally mad, over nothing. For example, I called John 4 times over an hour and a half, he didn't answer. I also left 4 voice mails about the band aids he needed that I was going all over town for, and he never responded. While this would normally be annoying to me, tonight it made me so mad that I wanted to blow his car up, either that or bite someone's head off. The worst part, I know it is not normal, or rational, or even like me to get this mad, but I can't help it. I even told him not to talk to me a little while ago. Why you ask, well I slipped and he asked if I was ok, and it made me mad, I mean, how rude! Asking if your wife is ok. I know, it's nuts! So, to justify, my ovary hurts, I'm insanely bloated, by boobs are swollen, and achy, and I am incredibly hot, AND I feel sick to my stomach. Ok, that's all. No it's not, really what I'm saying is, if you must talk to me tomorrow, be patient with me and bring me something cold and yummy. Oh, and I may cry for no apparent reason, if I do that, either cry with me, or leave the room. :) Hormones are stupid.